Not Alone Anymore
by mehacdesai
Summary: Based on Outlander 3x08. This happens after Jamie and Claire's fight and when Jamie is shot. Jamie has been through a lot, and separation years were difficult for both Jamie & Claire, but I believe, Jamie did suffer a lot. "I did not realize immediately but as the days turned into nights, and nights into weeks, I began to notice the changes in him. It was subconsciously in my m


I did not lie when I told him that I was not done being angry.

I really was.

And it was close to seconds when I withdrew my decision to go back yet again. As tempted I was, tiniest part of my heart would not let me go, not until I listen to him but then all went into the vain when his so called second wife shot him. I really was angry, for bloody everything. Me for coming back, him for marrying her, his bastard son, those ridiculous twenty years, those stones and the fucking war. I could not not concentrate, so I decided to do one thing which gave me something in return so that I could forget everything, being a surgeon. So I did forget everything and mended his hand, all my thoughts were away and my sole focus was to save my patient who somehow was always in the line of danger, no matter how hard he tried to avoid.

After it was over, I just had to wait.

And it all came back.

The anger.

But I really wanted to listen to him. That was me, being a surgeon who can't conclude anything without paying attention to all the details, micro level details or it was just me, I was always the one who would look into details. I just needed to know, even with the anger, I would want to know why he married the bloody fucking Laoghaire.

And that was the reason, I decided to wait. Till I hear everything, and then I would go back to my daughter, Bree. As soon as I thought of her, strange little tears pricked into my eyes, and I had to blink them away. I could not think too much about everything right now, it would break me. It would kill me to face the ugly fact that I left everything for him, just to know that he is married and he has two daughters and a son. Oh! If only heart could break million times. Damn you, Jamie!

We were in his room, Ian, somehow managed to get him to his room, not the one he, sorry, we had as Laird but the other one, the smaller one. Ian left me alone with him, conveniently. At the time of leaving us alone, he gave me a bottle of Whiskey, and waved me thankfully. At least, someone was happy about my presence. I gulped down a glass of whiskey in one go. That made me feel better, and calmed me down.

After a while, I took a chair, and sat gingerly beside him. He was unconscious but even in this stage, he seemed restless. His eyes were moving constantly behind his closed eyelids. A particular vein near the neck was throbbing, and the rhythm of the breath he took was uneven, almost looked like he was taking his last breaths. But as a Doctor, I was sure, he was not dying, not now. I was pretty confident in my skills as a Surgeon, there was a chance for an infection, and anything worse than that, I had penicillin for that.

It was crazy how fast the day was advancing, it was already evening, the twilight hours. Fortunately, it was not winter, it was warm weather, but as the sun started to go down, I felt a little cold which was welcoming. However, as the wind continues to make its way into the room by the window across, I saw Jamie started shivering a little. I touched his body and he was little warm, not fever yet but I decided to wait for a while to monitor again. I got up to close the window & adjusted the quilt around his large body.

And I saw his face in the dim light of a candle, warm yellow hue on his face. I actually took my sweet little time to observe his face. He was still the most handsome man, a beautiful strong jawline, and sharp features but there were lines around his eyes, aging he was! And then I actually looked at him scrupulously. At first glance, he might look like the exact person I left at the stones twenty years ago, but when looked carefully, he was not the exact man. His face was not bearing the innocence once it had, the eyes were not sparklingly as it used and the face was not glowing like it used to, he had marks around his nose, if in extreme anger, he would look fierce to anyone else but me. His face was lacking that glow, that hope Even in a time of war, after Wentworth, Jamie had hope, and his face would express it for him.

I did not realize immediately but as the days turned into nights, and nights into weeks, I began to notice the changes in him. It was subconsciously in my mind, but I was so overwhelmed with everything that I could not pay attention to. And I was surprised by my own behaviour, how could I missed this about Jamie. Why I was so lost in everything that I did not observe this.

It was unrecognizable at all, in the beginning, and there was only one explanation I had for that, initial shock or surprise of our reunion after almost two decades, the most overwhelming moment of my life, and this one moment would even cross the birth of Brianna or the moment I saw Jamie after Wentworth, this moment was above all, and in my heart, I could feel the same again & again even after all four and a half weeks.

Everything was in blur, at a blink but now that I sit peacefully and think thoroughly, it was not in blur, it was as if, each scene played in front of my eyes in slowest of its motion, me breaking down in his arms like a glass doll, hearts beating fastest, and lucky I did not die nor did he, even though it was a close call. He fainted, scaring everything right out from me. It was worse for him than for me, I had months to prepare for my return, I did research everything & then I presented myself to him but for him, it was just another day and I dropped by. And his face said it all, joy, fear, shock, confusion and it all came down to only one thing, crashing. And he did, ever so gracefully, he fainted.

And as I remember every second after that, he used to shake in his sleep, and it was not a dramatic or even disturbing, but it was there. A faintest glitch in his breath, just as he did at this moment, and unknowingly, his right hand was in my lap, pulling me into his side, closer than I already was. His left hand clutching the sheets lightly even if it was injured, his face was not disturbed but not even peaceful, little bit of frowning just like Bree used to have when she was newly born. I ran my fingers in his thick hairs, still the most beautiful shade of red, a little bit grey here and there, which only enhanced his beauty. His face relaxed under my touch, and suddenly a lump in my throat made me uneasy, overwhelmed by those sudden emotions, I checked his fever again, and his temperature was the same. His injured hand, thanks to his first wife, was still the same, in sling and as per my best guess, it would still hurt him a lot, at least for a few days.

I bend down and kissed his forehead as lightly as a feather. My heart swelled with sadness & happiness simultaneously. Of course, I don't want him to know that I kissed him while being angry with him so I push myself and sit again but he notices something and opened his eyes slowly, a bit drowsy they are but he fights it back, and utters a single word,

"Claire!"

That does bring a smile to my face, but it quickly fades way as he closes his eyes again, he was delirious. In and out of consciousness he blabbers something but I do not hear anything particularly except the few words & sentences like, "Dinna leave me!" "Dead" "Ye forgive me, Clair" "We are together now"

It broke my heart to see him tormenting about the current situation, I took his hand in my hand, squeeze his fingers & try to let him know that I was there but he did not notice anything, he just fluttered his eyes again & closed them before I could observe them. This happened for fairly an hour before he actually woke up. In between, one of the Jenny's daughter brought me a stew & a broth for him. I ate mine hastily, as I was hungry and I needed my strength to take care of him, and if need arises, I needed my strength to go back to the stones, back to my time, and it would need a lot more strength than the food can provide, but for starters at least I will have physical energy to carry on.

After I finished my meal, I checked him once again, temperature was still the same, not increasing or decreasing, wound was fresh, and no signs of infection yet. With that he opens his eyes and this time, it's not drowsy or delirious, instead, he is vigilant, he looked directly into my eyes, and says something which breaks my heart again, if that could even be possible,

"So you dinna leave me in my deathbed!" he stated, through laboured breathing.

"You are not dying!" I snapped angrily.

"Trust my skills as a Surgeon" I added proudly, rather arrogantly.

"The pain feels like death!" he grunted.

I knew he was in pain, his wound was fresh. Honestly, I would be shocked if he would not complain about the pain. His bloody second wife made sure of that, surely.

"It will be painful for a few days, bear with it" I replied, making sure there were no emotions in my voice, but I suppose I failed because his eyes were soft for a while, and there was a hint of amusement, even in pain, for a fraction of a second, he was amused.

And then, he shook his head a little, and sighed.

I tried to give him broth, but he moved his face away, I cursed him and force the liquid to him, he drank a little & tried to get up, I went ahead to help him but he stopped me. He grunted in pain while helping himself up. Bloody scot would die but ask for help!

"I suppose ye might hear what I need to say" he stated sadly. After he painfully adjusted himself on the headrest of the bed. Tiny little movement exhausted him, he was breathless for a moment and said nothing further.

"I do" I tried to keep my face look stern, but I was not sure if I was doing a good job at that.

After what felt like ages, when his breathing was back to normal, he spoke. And he started with one thing that I was certain about.

"I am not that man ye left twenty years ago, and I might have warned ye earlier, and I was no joking!"

I wanted to correct him that I did not leave him, he forced me to. But I didn't speak anything so he carried on.

He hesitated a bit before saying anything, I felt like he really did not want me to know something, but he continued anyway.

"I saw you the night of the war...I was dead I thought. After I killed Randall, I was lying there on the ground, snowflakes touching me & melting against my hot skin, and there was a rabbit & and then I saw ye. Ye were so close, coming to me with all the love in yer eyes, to heal me I guessed, I was dying and I was happy that you & the bairn...my bairn is safe with you"

Even though he was talking to me, his eyes were fixed on his index finger of his injured hand, he was fidgeting with the quilt, strange! Jamie was not that type. Jamie Fraser was headstrong, stubborn & very logical man. He was beginning to talk like he was ashamed of sharing it with me.

"I dinna know or rather dinna remember what happened to me after that, when I woke up, I knew that the Melton wouldna kill me, but left me to die surely, that man...because of John Grey!"

I wondered who might be he is talking about, but he did not say anything as if he really did not want me to know more about John Grey. He continued as if he was living in each of those moments.

"Next I knew, I am lying in fever, praying for my bairn and ye...and waiting for death to take over and then I remember myself screaming in agony, someone holding my hands & Jenny as stubborn as she can be...pouring the boiling water on my wounded & infected leg!"

I was sitting there but with each word Jamie uttered, I found myself back in the time, I could very well picture Jenny fighting with everyone for Jamie. No matter how bad our relationship has turned out to be, but I was sure about one thing, Jenny did love her brother fiercely. Suddenly, I felt a sense of relief that Jenny was there with him or he would definitely die. Having seen the scar on his thigh, it seemed fatal. If not for luck & Jenny, Jamie would die.

"Sassenach, at that moment, I really wanted to die from the pain, I wouldna lie." he admitted sheepishly.

"Jenny thought the worst was over for me, but no...it was just the beginning. I have been through a lot of things but the time I spent in the cave was the worst. Ardsmuir was better, even Helwater was better"

I knew from my research that he spent years scattered loosely in the Ardsmuir prison and then Helwater, however, I knew so little about cave part, the Dunbonnet part, I did, in fact, dismissed the story as a legend scots would pass on to generations. But when Jamie mentioned the cave again, I wondered how he lived in a bloody cave for years.

He looked distantly across the window, as if looking into the cave, and continued, "Nights were the worst, I used to lie down on the cold stone, and think of you & wee babe. Sometimes, it would hurt so much that I was na even touched by any human being other than you, Claire! It was so silent in there, I could hear each and everything! And then there were some good days, I would go back to home, help Jenny & Ian...with kids. But mostly, it was the loneliness that killed me partially...there was one night, full moon & I was tired of keeping it along, and I peeked outside of the cave, in the chilly wind & I looked upon the moon, and I swear to god that I saw you with the bairn...Claire! It was so real...it brought tears to my eyes!"

And to my eyes as well, I thought while blinking the tears away. I was glad he was not looking at me.

"That night...I cried myself to sleep under the moon."

Oh! Jamie!

He stopped for a moment, his eyes welled up. But he did continue after a moment,

"For so long, I kept track of the bairn's age, I counted from Culloden...I imagined him everyday with you, the more I thought the more pain it brought to me. I was always sore with need of ye, Claire! Those years in cave killed me in so many ways...I was no the same men anymore."

He had to stop for a while, we both did not say anything.

"Anyway, after Helwater, when I was back here, everything was changed. I was a ghost, ye ken?" He asked me as if I was a small child.

I know, Jamie, I know. I thought but words could not come through my mouth.

"No one would recognize me, and I wouldna lie, I married Laoghaire for many reasons but the biggest of them was...my loneliness. I ached to be a father, and her lassies were fond of me, as I was! And she was just there...Jenny urged & I did so…"

The deep lying anger within my gut rose again, I greeted my teeth to curse more but he never left me a chance.

"...that failed horribly though!" he smiled through invisible tears.

"It was a disaster from the start...ye ken? And then I decided to stay at Edinburgh. Printing shop made me busy, and I was aching like before, at least not for too many days! But for most of those years without ye, I have just existed...wi'out a heart, a part of me was long gone at stone with you & Brianna! I curse that day...that night & that time greatly, for it took my heart & tore it apart...for not killing me & leaving me a ghost, Claire! I longed for ye, sore wi' the need...heart aching for yer warmth...I wish I could have died...Claire...I really would prefer to die that night, then it would be finished with one stroke...and I would not die every day for decades...that is how I have missed ye, dreamt of ye...Claire" he choked, barely holding it together.

Suddenly, he wiped his tears with the back of his healthy hand, and said,

"So yes...Claire! If Wille & Laoghaire...they are too much for ye, then I must ask ye to tell me honestly. Will you leave me now? For the man that I have become?" he asked me painfully, eyes reflecting each painful moment of twenty years, bore into mine directly and it broke me.

Suddenly, it hit me like a lightning. I never thought carefully, but Jamie had spent twenty years without a home, when he mentioned his years through cave, I could only cry for him, in that moment, I only wished that I could reverse the time for him. All I wanted was to comfort him then, anger vanished suddenly and my incredibly torn heart longed for Jamie.

"Jamie…"

"Please Claire...let me know now and if ye wish to leave, I ask ye to leave me to my misery & let me die in piece...for I wouldna survive anyway if you leave me..." he choked, and looked away, eyes red with unshed tears. His emotions were scattered, hint of anger, sadness and defeat altogether.

"Jamie, look at me!"

He did. But the way he looked at me, it was the most painful sight ever.

"Listen to me now!" I stated firmly, I had to pick it up together then, for both of us.

"I may or may not have regretted my decision to come back again, but my love for you was never in question. I love you, James Fraser. For better or for worse!" I said, rather proudly.

I did love Jamie. He was the love of my life and there was never a second question about it.

Before he could say anything, I continued,

"I am never gonna leave you. Not now"

And I stood up to caress his cheeks,

"Christ Jamie! You are burning up. Why didn't you anything?" I immediately searched for my medical case, to get penicillin for him.

"I thought it was heat of shame" he croaked.

"And the pain...never stopped." He stated, and we both knew, he was not talking about his hand anymore.

After his expressions of wonder, and few questions which I answered patiently, he agreed to get the penicillin shot. And then I carefully made him lie down, he was extremely tired, and not only from the injury, I could say.I adjusted myself by his side, he was not saying anything, but I had to say it, to give him relief from his own misery.

"I am not going anywhere Jamie."

And then I said something which more than I needed to say, he needed to hear, again & again.

"You are not alone anymore, Jamie! I am here!"

And I took his head in my lap carefully, and ran my fingers through his hair, feeling his thick skull, I kissed his forehead, sweaty, salty & warm. He completely surrendered under my touch, maybe it was fever or pain or maybe it was a burden he carried from all these years, he didn't say anything, he buried his face as gracefully as only he could be, and then his tears came fast, neither of us tried to stop them. It was required for both of us, for me to assure him that his misery must be ended now, and for him to finally let go.

I kept repeating my words soothingly.

"Sleep love, I am watching over you now."

And he slept. Like a baby, as peacefully as he could ever be.


End file.
